Divorce - The Effect on Children
The outcome of divorce is not limited to the emotional trauma that the divorced couple undergoes. The disenchantment that the child of a failed marriage experiences often remains unnoticed. Unlike the parents, the child cannot foresee the disbanding of the marriage and the family set-up, they are too young to perceive the warning signs. There is nothing to prepare them beforehand from the terrible pain of divorce. Even the adolescents lack the practical sense of moving on with life in the face of the termination of their established routine of everyday life.
Parents try to break the news of an impending divorce to the children as gently as possible. They assure the kids that it is not their fault that their parents are no longer staying together. However, what the parents say only confuses the young minds. The children are not mature enough to understand the workings of an intimate relationship, or to grasp the reasons for its failure. The parents need to understand the difference between their feelings for their spouse from what the child feels towards its caregiver. The teachers and administrative authorities in educational institutions should be informed about the divorce. This will enable them to understand any sudden change in the behavioral pattern of the children and can be supportive and sympathizing. The child forms its own assumptions and often bear pent up emotions against what they have to experience. This results in occasional hostile behavior or belligerence, towards the parents or towards other people. The child may also feel that if it minds its manners and behave nicely, its parents may ultimately end up together after all. Children react in different ways they may resort to inflicting pain on themselves, being the victim of depression and sense of powerlessness. Symptoms of depression include abandonment of society, loss of spontaneity, as well as antagonism and irrational behavior. Often the childs relationship with its friends and family, including siblings, are affected too.
To help the children deal with their emotional ordeal, the parents need to bear certain things in mind throughout the divorce proceedings, and afterwards as well. They should not criticize or squabble with each in front of the children. They must not exert pressure of any kind on the children to take sides, even though the marital relation ends, the parental relation of either partner with the children continues. It is unfair to turn the child into a go-between or conciliator, or to use it as an instrument for meting out further abuse on the husband or the wife. Since all the disciplinary actions have been handled out and all vital information imparted to the child so far has been done collectively, the news of the fall out should also be delivered together by both parents. Lastly, even after the divorce the separated couple must find ways to keep on parenting without imposing added anxiety upon the children. Loads of care and understanding, keeping the channel for communication open, constant assurance about the parents unconditional love despite the separation are the best way to guide the child thorough this difficult phase.
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